it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
