WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
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