then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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