he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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