Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
