I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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