FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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