We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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