Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
People with herpes should wear stickers.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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