Your face is a jimmy john
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
