i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
