So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
