I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
