i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
