oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
