I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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