last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
So many bounce houses so little time
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
