Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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