My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
