I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
