id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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