you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
