glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
