If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
