I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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