God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
