Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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