got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
