Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
