When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
