Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
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