Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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