I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
