Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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