I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
