there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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