I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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