so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
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