I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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