why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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