our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Randomize
