Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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