I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
