Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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