who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Randomize
