why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
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