I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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