"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
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