and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
time to smoke my breakfast
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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