you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I intend to get homeless drunk
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
